Encouraging Emotional Expression in Teenage Boys

By: Tyler Shoens, MSW Candidate

Today, there is a growing awareness of the importance of emotional well-being for everyone. Despite progress in discussing mental health openly, a persistent stigma remains, especially for teenage boys, who often face pressure to suppress or restrict their emotions. These social norms and expectations have long been established and only recently challenged. There are many consequences for restricting emotions and great benefits for expressing them. Encouraging emotional expression in teenage boys is important to challenging these long-standing social norms and fostering a healthier emotional landscape for everyone.

 So, what are these social norms for teenage boys?

Adolescent boys’ faces are often socialized to adhere to specific masculine norms related to emotional expression. The expectation is that boys should be self-sufficient and handle problems independently, and a meta-message that may inadvertently equate emotional restriction with strength.

Expressions, “boys do not cry” or “man up” can limit how boys and men are allowed to express themselves and thus reinforce a narrow view of emotional intelligence. Those phrases limit boys’ ability to learn and understand emotional intelligence and expression. When they limit their emotional intelligence, boys can develop a negative self-image, which can dictate how they feel about themselves and how they interact with people around them and negatively affect their actions in their schools, at home, or with friends.

What is Emotional Intelligence and Expression?

Emotional intelligence or EI refers to recognizing, understanding, managing, and expressing emotions effectively in oneself and others. EI is vital in personal well-being; EI helps contribute to greater self-awareness and self-regulation, leading to better stress management, decision-making, and overall better mental health. EI also enhances the ability to connect with others, strengthening and improving relationships with friends, family, and others. Studies have shown that higher EI leads to lower stress levels, higher positive emotional states and happiness rates, and better physical health and well-being (Stoewen, D. L. (2024). Emotional expression is crucial to the healthy development of emotional intelligence. When boys are discouraged from expressing their emotions, it can hinder their ability to understand and manage their feelings effectively. If boys internalize the belief that expressing emotions is a sign of weakness, they may be less likely to seek help for emotional or psychological issues.

Limiting emotional intelligence can lead to a clinical term coined by Dr. Ronald Levant, called normative male alexithymia or NMA for short, which is the inability to recognize or describe one’s emotions. (Levant, 2018). The term alexithymia in Greek loosely translates to “no words for emotions”. According to Dr. Ronald Levant, NMA occurs due to gender-based socialization practices influenced by the traditional masculine norm of emotional restriction. Emotional restriction discourages boys from showing vulnerability or their need for attachment to other people. As a result of such childhood socialization experiences, boys are discouraged from expressing and talking about their vulnerable and attachment emotions and, as a result, do not develop a vocabulary for or awareness of many of their emotions. NMA can block boys from utilizing the most effective means for dealing with life’s stresses- such as identifying, thinking about, and discussing one’s emotional responses to a stressor or trauma with a friend, family member, or counselor. As a result of this, it can cause boys to deal with stress in ways that make certain habits more likely, such as substance abuse, deviant behavior, violent behavior, sexual compulsions, and stress-related illnesses (Levant, 2018).

In his doctoral thesis, Dr. Brendan Kwiatkowski found that boys have two predominant masculine pressures: the pressure to limit their emotional expression and the pressure to be physically and mentally tough. According to Dr. Brendan Kwiatkowski’s study, boys may feel they must consciously suppress their emotions, especially ones that go against social norms, like crying or talking about their feelings. This emotional restriction can be directly associated with boys experiencing higher feelings of loneliness and internal conflict as they try to meet social standards for masculinity. In his study, Dr. Kwiatkowski also found that “boys restrict emotions for three reasons: fear of judgment, not wanting to be seen as a burden, and wanting to protect themselves” (Kwiatkowski, 2022 ).

The pressure to be physically and mentally tough was found to be the second predominant masculine pressure. This social expectation is rooted in the historical notion that men must exhibit physical strength and mental fortitude as essential traits. Social norms also say men need to exhibit a certain level of aggressiveness and assertiveness. This pressure continues to reinforce the narrow view of emotional intelligence that if a male does not exhibit certain physical traits or the mental fortitude to balance the stressors of life independently, then he cannot be considered an ideal male in mainstream society. Men and boys are now placed in a unique position- limit their emotional expression and face the consequences or sacrifice their social standing in society as a “non-traditional man” by expressing their emotions and facing intense judgment from peers.

Regular emotional expression helps boys learn how to handle and process their emotions constructively, which enhances their ability to cope with challenges and setbacks. In a study conducted in 2012 by the University of Dublin, researchers followed 52 young men who had a recent suicide attempt who felt they could not effectively express their emotions due to dominant and hegemonic masculinity in their society. As a result, they also developed a dependence on drugs and alcohol to best cope with their internal frustrations and conflicts (Cleary, 2012). “These men experienced significant, long-lasting, emotional pain but, in the context of lives lived in environments where prevailing constructions of masculinity constrained its expression, they opted for suicide rather than disclose distress and seek help” (Cleary, 2012, p.501).

As a result of not seeking help from social stigma, according to the CDC, suicide rates in men are 3.7 times higher than in women, an alarming stat that may speak to the impact of this reluctance which can prevent boys from accessing necessary support and resources (CDC, 2024). A study published in the Journal of Health Psychology found that men are more likely to avoid seeking help due to stigma, perceived weakness, or social expectations (Mahalik et al., 2003).

Strategies: So, what can be done to change these social norms and expectations for boys?

  1. Model/ Support Emotional Expression:

Adults are encouraged to express their emotions and demonstrate healthy coping mechanisms, such as cognitive restructuring. Cognitive restructuring involves identifying and challenging distorted or irrational thoughts and replacing them with more balanced and rational ones. This sets positive examples for boys to follow. In Dr. Kwiatkowski’s study, many participants had early influence from modeling their father’s behaviors (Kwiatkowski, 2022).

  1. Encourage Open Communication and Emotional Education:

Many of Dr. Kwiatkowski’s study participants also wish that schools taught components of emotions (Kwiatkowski, 2022 ). Adults should show that all emotions are valid and worth discussing by providing opportunities for boys to talk about their feelings and experiences openly without judgment. Adults can teach emotional learning through various subjects, such as books or movies, which can analyze a character’s emotions, or through physical education and sports, which can discuss the emotional aspects of teamwork and competition.

  1. Develop Self-Awareness and Encourage Self-Care Practices

Adults are encouraged to show self-reflection and promote activities like journaling or discussions where boys can reflect on their emotional experiences and become aware of how to handle their emotions. Adults should educate and encourage the importance of self-care routines to promote a sense of balance and to recognize signs of emotional exhaustion or stress. A family walk after dinner or enjoying a family game night once a week can give the opportunity to spend quality time together and foster organic conversations.

In conclusion, despite progress in mental health awareness, pervasive stigmas and traditional expectations for boys continue to hinder their emotional expression, often resulting in detrimental effects on boys’ mental health and overall well-being. To counter these harmful norms, it is essential to model and support emotional expression, encourage open communication, and promote emotional education and self-care practices. By fostering an environment where boys can freely express and manage their emotions, we not only challenge outdated norms but also equip them with the tools needed for healthier emotional development and personal relationships.

References:

Cleary, A. “Suicidal Action, Emotional Expression, and the Performance of Masculinities.” Social Science & Medicine, vol. 74, no. 4, Feb. 2012, pp. 498–505. doi: 10.1016/j.socscimed.2011.08.002. Epub 2011 Aug 23. PMID: 21930333.

Kwiatkowski, B. Adolescent Male Emotionality: A Mixed Methods Investigation into the Complexities of ‘Being Male’ Based Upon Varying Levels of Emotional Restriction, University of Edinburgh. 2023. https://era.ed.ac.uk/bitstream/handle/1842/39852/Kwiatkowski2023.pdf?sequence=1&isAllowed=y%20(Kwiatkowski)

Levant, Ronald F, and Mike C Parent. “The development and evaluation of a brief form of the Normative Male Alexithymia Scale (NMAS-BF).” Journal of counseling psychology vol. 66,2 (2019): 224-233. doi:10.1037/cou0000312

Mahalik, J. R., Locke, B. D., Ludlow, L. H., Diemer, M. A., Scott, R. P. J., Gottfried, M., and Freitas, G. “Development of the Conformity to Masculine Norms Inventory.” Psychology of Men & Masculinity, vol. 4, no. 1, 2003, pp. 3–25. https://doi.org/10.1037/1524-9220.4.1.3.

Stoewen, D. L. “The Vital Connection Between Emotional Intelligence and Well-Being – Part 1: Understanding and Why It Matters.” Canadian Veterinary Journal, vol. 65, no. 2, 2024, pp. 182–184.

“Suicide Data.” Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, U.S. Department of Health & Human Services, https://www.cdc.gov/suicide/facts/data.html. Accessed September 6, 2024.